Blog Post – Page 2

Published!

Today, July 17, 2022, I submitted my first book to be published on Amazon, ebook and paperback version.

Within 72 hours I should see it for sale, assuming I did everything correctly.

It is an 84 page book of collected humorous essays about a Florida guy, me, moving to Idaho. Comparing the two states in what I hope to be funny ways.

I met a guy at a local writers group, Steve Liddick who encouraged me and somehow I started it about a month or two ago. The essays were already written, but I had to enlarge the book, proof and edit and rewrite, and then I had to create a publishing company. Tabebuia Press.

This is very scary as I hope I have not made a fool of myself to the entire world. (Except for Australia and Japan).

Total cost is $791.66.

$456.66 to established Tabebuia Press. This included fictitious name listing in newspaper, registering it with the state of Florida, buying ISBN numbers and so forth. The book itself cost me $335.

So I need to sell about 264 paperback books to break even. Or a shit load of ebooks.

But this was never about money.

I now have a publishing company, and a process to publish more books.

Praise God and Jesus Christ!

Dart

Ten Gas Saving Tips

It is summer in America, prime driving season, and everyone is concerned about the outrageous price of gasoline at the pump. People are desperately seeking ways to squeeze an extra mile or two out of a gallon of gas. Never fear, my friends. After seven or eight seconds of intense research, I’ve developed The Top Ten Gas Saving Tips! I offer this to you for free, and with the guarantee that if you are not 100% satisfied with these tips after utilizing all ten, (especially number eight) I will cheerfully refund the full price!

No, don’t thank me. I am just doing my part to better society.

Eat an enormous bowl of baked beans for breakfast, then drive to work farting like a mad weasel with your windows rolled up. The “gas” will make your car lighter, gaining better mileage, and your eyes will sting so you will drive more conservatively.
Empty your car of all non-essential items, like the junk in your trunk, books, magazines, the five thousand Burger King wrappers in the back seat (Yes daughter, I am talking about you!) any unnecessary tools, spare tire, your back seat and if possible, your entire frame. Again, a lighter vehicle gets better miles per gallon.
Drive at a steady speed, not varying over 5 MPH. Ignore stop signs and traffic lights, as slowing and stopping and then speeding up is terrible on fuel economy. Note, this may only work well in Miami, where stop signs and red lights are voluntary.
Make your car as wind resistant as possible. Coating your entire car with K-Y jelly prior to driving is one way. If you don’t have K-Y handy, use badger grease.
Wake up at 3 AM to get gas. The heat of the day makes the gasoline expand and thus if you fill up at noon, you won’t get as much gas in your tank.
Always fill up at noon. The gas will be hot and “lighter”, making your car weight less and thus gaining you some extra mileage.
Maintain exact, proper tire pressure, and exchange the air in all four tires every weekend. Replacing the tired and worn-out air with fresh, invigorated air will improve your mileage.
On long highway drives, tailgate a huge 18-wheeler gas tanker, driving in the “sweet spot” of its airflow, which is usually a half inch from the tanker’s rear bumper. Your vehicle will encounter far less wind resistance and actually be pulled forward by the current. When doing this, try not to smoke.
Turn off your air conditioner to get better mileage. However, this only works if you roll up and duct tape all of your windows to prevent wind resistance from countering the AC being off. Try not to sweat, as the evaporated water can change the density of the air inside your car and add weight to your overall vehicle.
There is no 10th tip. But “9 Top Gas Saving Tips” just doesn’t have a good ring to it, does it?

There you have it. Now, where do I go to pick up my Nobel Prize???

Drive Through Tithing

While always a thing, paying the tab for the person behind you at a fast food/coffee drive through has become a bigger thing during these turbulent times. When non-believers do it it is nice, as they are thinking of others and trying to inject some love into the world. I guess. When I do it, as a Christian, it is more complicated. My automatic thinking tells me I am honoring God and giving to others. Maybe sharing the love of our Creator. As I paid the $9.42 bill for the person behind me at Dunkin’ Donuts drive through yesterday, I felt good, despite the bill being more than I expected. As I drove out of the drive through lane I felt proud of myself, happy that I was doing God’s will. Until my deeper thinking process asked me if the person in that large new car really needed this help? What about the people who can’t afford to even go to a fast food place? What about the people who didn’t own a car? Who was I really helping? Shouldn’t I go ride through the poor section of town passing out donuts and coffee for free? What the hell was I actually doing?

A voice in my head, and there are many, told me I was just making myself feel proud and good while paying someone’s bill who was clearly capable of paying it themselves. No one deliberately pulls into a fast food drive-through unless they are prepared to pay for their order.

So, was this a selfist thing? I wanted to feel good about myself in the least interactive way possible? Sort of drive by tithing? Also, if we give won’t God bless us? Man, this was turning out to be more sin laden than good.

Another voice tells me it is about not being attached to money. Being willing to give up some money even if it has nothing to do with God. I guess I could have pushed the ten dollar bill through my shredder for the same affect? No, not really.

I always look in my rear view mirror at the vehicle in line behind me at drive-through establishments. I don’t pay the bill for people driving expensive cars. Or people with 19 kids in the back. Ideally I want a single person driving an old beat up car ordering something for five bucks or less. Is that judging? Is that truly giving?

After pondering these thoughts inside my noggin for some time, I think for me it is to make me feel like a good Christian. Which isn’t what a good Christian should be doing.

Once in a while I get someone paying for my drive-through tab. It really surprises me, and I do feel happy and my faith in mankind creeps up a notch. I wonder how the people I give to react?

I think I will continue to do this, just to spread some little joy. If I can cheer up a person even for a moment, then that is good.

But I won’t consider this a Christian giving thing. I need to increase my donations to the food bank, church and other places where people truly need some help.

Yeah, I think too much sometimes.

Why is Today’s Fiction Sad or Depressing?

Many of my short stories, the dozens that have not yet been accepted for publication, are somewhat lighthearted. Yes, there is a conflict within the story, otherwise there would not be a story, right? But it is either a humorous conflict or the resolution is upbeat. As I search for short fiction markets I try to find a publication that offers stories that my fiction would be a “fit” with. I read and read and read and then I reach for the scotch bottle. I ponder if all of fiction today is sad or depressing or just designed to push one toward the edge. Yes, there are some places where humor is a requirement, but I am seeking more mainstream fiction markets, and they almost never makes one chuckle.

And it is not humor I am writing, but mainstream stories that are not about cancer, death, rape, divorce, war, pain and sadness. I did write one short piece about a son dealing with his elderly mother’s Alzheimer’s.

But that was a fairly humorous story which due to no effort on my part, evolved into a sort of warm sadness. It is probably my most acclaimed story so far But the majority of my stories are not about sadness. And they remain unpublished.

I poised this question to my online writer’s group, and received several answers. Some thought it was the fact we have suffered over the last few years with deranged politics, a pandemic, toilet paper shortages, riots and social disturbances and now a major war in Europe. People are stressed, depressed maybe. Also, many of today’s authors are young people, under 30, and that generation is not known as a happy generation. And I do not blame them. Some said stories must have a conflict. I mean, that is true, as if there is no conflict what do you have? Just a few pages about someone’s normal life? Conflict of some kind defines the story. So I turned my search over to DuckDuckGo, and eventually discovered this quote by Tobias Wolff. He is a modern writer who is somewhat noteworthy. I don’t know when he said this, but here it is:

“I have never been able to understand the complaint that a story is “depressing” because of its subject matter. What depresses me are stories that don’t seem to know these things go on, or hide them in resolute chipperness; “witty stories,” in which every problem is the occasion for a joke; “upbeat” stories that flog you with transcendence. Please. We’re grown ups now.”

So this quote seems to be saying grown up adults don’t write “witty” stories. To do so is ignoring apparently the reality that all of life is tough and mean. I guess that makes me less of an adult? Maybe, wouldn’t be the first time I have been described that way.

I lean toward satire often, so maybe that is my excuse? Any thoughts about this? Leave a comment.

Things That Stick in Our Minds

During this escapade we call life, there are special things that get stuck inside our minds. Things we hold onto for some reason. Fine memories perhaps, a person’s face, an event in time, or just some crumb of information or philosophy that we hold and refer to as we travel the long stairway of this quite odd life. One such thing I grasped onto like a bear trap was the Doonesbury cartoon strip from October 31, 1973.

Doonesbury is a comic strip appearing in newspapers nationwide written by Garry Trudeau which started in the 1970’s and actually, continues today albeit only once a week. I was twenty years old then. Twenty! Damn, I have ties older than that now. I was attending junior college and I was pretty much lost. Clueless about my life. I was also about to make several significant and bad decisions, but I guess many of us do that during that point in our life, don’t you think?

I was looking forward in time, wondering about this process where one grabs a job of some sort and works, at least five days a week, for close to fifty years! Fifty F’ing years! (Excuse my French).

I was young, thin, healthy, had hair and was good looking. I was filled with the energy only youth provides. I did NOT want to have a job for fifty years! The concept was bleak to me, at best.

So, when I read this comic strip, it really resonated within me. I could relate to the hippie kid, complaining to his father that he wanted to ….enjoy….life, and not work at an ugly job for fifty years! Yeah, he was me!

His father gave him a taste of reality when he said, “Life is not to be enjoyed, it’s to be gotten on with!” In the next panel, referring to his own job, he says “I hate it, I despise it!” And of course, the final word, “That’s normal, dammit!”

This comic strip had such an impact on me, held so many conflicting meanings, that I cut it out of the newspaper and sealed it in scotch tape. I referred to it every year or so. Sometimes more often than that. Here is a photo of it, all faded and yellow.

You can see despite the age and the wear, it still is readable. Forty-nine years later! Wow! So. I guess I am on the other side now, right? I say that I am between jobs now, or on sabbatical, but I am really retired. I didn’t work fifty years, but pretty close. Today, the one message I gain from this ancient comic strip is that life is to be gotten on with. But I also still support the young guy’s yearning for this thing called happiness. So, maybe life is to be gotten on with, as happily as you can manage?

Yeah. That is what I believe. And that is my motto for the rest of my life.

Oh, by the way, this is what is on the back of that newspaper comic. A grocery store advertising food and will you look at these prices!!!

Peace out my friends.

Dart

Florida Has No State doughnut!!!

This is a crisis, folks. Louisiana has an official state doughnut, the Brignet! Massachusetts also has an official state doughnut, the Boston Cream. But Florida? The great and fantastic state of Florida? We have zip. Nada. No state doughnut. Not even a state donut.

In 1986 the state of Louisiana officially made the Beignet the state doughnut.

A beignet is a square, puffy doughnut sprinkled with powdered sugar. It does not have a hole in the middle. So, in my book, it is pastry, not even a freaking donut or a doughnut!!! How the hell in Tom’s foolery can a piece of pastry be considered a doughnut, much less be elevated to the prestigious rank of State Doughnut???!!

What the Hell Louisiana???

And while we are at it, what the screaming weasel snot is a beignet???? According to this website, The word beignet (pronounced bey-YAY) comes from the early Celtic word bigne meaning “to raise.” It is also French for “fritter.” They are fried, raised pieces of yeast dough, usually about 2 inches in diameter or 2 inches square. After being fried, they are sprinkled with sugar or coated with various icings. It is like a sweet doughnut, but the beignet is square shaped and without a hole.

Unbelievable.

The Boston Cream Doughnut has the word doughnut right in the name, so despite not having a hole, it is indeed officially a doughnut. In 2003 or 2006 Massachusetts made the Boston Cream Doughnut the official state doughnut.

The Boston cream doughnut (sometimes written with “creme” or “kreme”) is a round, solid, yeast risen, doughnut with chocolate frosting and a creamy vanilla flavored custard filling.

It is also the official doughnut of Dart.

But Florida? No State Doughnut! Granted, we do have a state desert, the Key Lime Pie. But no doughnut.

So, we have to do something about this. And you can help. First, we need to identify a doughnut that has a Florida flare. Something related to Florida. Then, we write our respective state representatives asking them to designate our doughnut as the State Doughnut.

I tried to find a doughnut that we could maybe nominate to the Florida legislature as our state doughnut.

These are the best options so far.

Hurricane doughnuts???? They look like fish to me.

This is a Key lime custard-filled doughnut. Goes along with our official desert, Key Lime Pie.

This is some sort of Orange Doughnut.

How about a Mango Doughnut?

Maybe you have a better idea? Let me know!

Onion Rings

It won’t surprise too many people who know me that I have an Onion Ring Rating System. (ORRS)

I developed this after attempting to consume a product falsely labeled as an onion ring from a popular fast food establishment. Apparently their imitation food product designers in fast food HQ forgot that onion rings should by the laws of nature consist of an actual onion. What I received instead was best described as Rings of Grease. They appeared brown on the outside, and indeed, were circular. But that was all they had in common with onion rings. For starters, there were no onions. The entire ring of lard was one substance, just colored differently on the outside. I sniffed them, and they possessed no fragrance at all. That was my first warning.

I tried biting one, and that is when I discovered it was just pressed together goop. There was no trace of an actual onion. Not even a flavor of an onion. Double in fact, they sucked.

A true honest to God onion ring is a real, 100% onion. This real onion is coated in some sort combination of baking powder, flower and oil. The actual construction materials can vary, but you immediately get the point that we are talking about two different items. 1) An onion! and 2) Some sort of batter on the onion.

So, I have developed my ORRS chart: 1 is best and 5 is the anti-Christ.

1. Large! Size of your palm at least. Crispy. There is a pleasant onionly fragrance. When you bite into the ring if you don’t bite sternly the actual onion will fall out of one end. A real onion. Not a goop. Not some slop made to look almost the color of an onion. But a true onion! The taste? Awesome! The ring is crisp and fresh and full of flavor and inside you have the pure Godly taste of a real onion!

2. Same as above only smaller.

3 Some variation, such as beer battered or so forth. Takes away from the purity of a real Onion Ring.

4. Size of your left eyeball, and as gooey. A trace of a small onion inside.

5. Something round and brown but not possessing a separate onion and just horrible, as described above.

No decent human being should attempt to consume anything that falls above a 2.

Author’s Website or Blog?

People and small raccoons often ask me if my website is just a blog, or if it is an Author’s Website. The correct answer is door number four – Both!

I am indeed a writer. I have written over 200 poems, 100 short essays, and over fifty short stories. About a dozen of my short stories have been published and I have a book of humor published on Amazon under the name Howard Dart. My detective/mystery novel of over 70,000 words is finished and seeking an agent. I have two other books I am working on.

I also wrote a daily blog for ten years in Miami that was fairly popular, averaging about fifty to a hundred visitors a day.

I write all of the time. This doesn’t count the millions of memos and reports I wrote as a Bank Manager and then an Assistant Dean at a Florida university. Creative fiction? I could show you the quarterly reports I put out for 25 years in my university position. They were indeed creative and some verged on Science Fiction.

All of the writing classes, consultants and other people who make a living giving guidance to little published writers say you need an Author’s Website, looks like this: https://www.jackreacher.com/us/

Or maybe like this: https://www.oceanvuong.com/ I am not sure I want that. Might be too premature. So, instead of calling this an author’s website, I prefer to call it a writer’s blog. That is what it really is.

Dart