Onion Rings

It won’t surprise too many people who know me that I have an Onion Ring Rating System. (ORRS)

I developed this after attempting to consume a product falsely labeled as an onion ring from a popular fast food establishment. Apparently their imitation food product designers in fast food HQ forgot that onion rings should by the laws of nature consist of an actual onion. What I received instead was best described as Rings of Grease. They appeared brown on the outside, and indeed, were circular. But that was all they had in common with onion rings. For starters, there were no onions. The entire ring of lard was one substance, just colored differently on the outside. I sniffed them, and they possessed no fragrance at all. That was my first warning.

I tried biting one, and that is when I discovered it was just pressed together goop. There was no trace of an actual onion. Not even a flavor of an onion. Double in fact, they sucked.

A true honest to God onion ring is a real, 100% onion. This real onion is coated in some sort combination of baking powder, flower and oil. The actual construction materials can vary, but you immediately get the point that we are talking about two different items. 1) An onion! and 2) Some sort of batter on the onion.

So, I have developed my ORRS chart:  1 is best and 5 is the anti-Christ.

1. Large! Size of your palm at least. Crispy. There is a pleasant onionly fragrance. When you bite into the ring if you don’t bite sternly the actual onion will call out of one end. A real onion. Not a goop. Not some slop made to look almost the color of an onion. But a true onion! The taste? Awesome! The ring is crisp and fresh and full of flavor and inside you have the pure Godly taste of a real onion!

2. Same as above only smaller.

3 Some variation, such as beer battered or so forth. Takes away from the purity of a real Onion Ring.

4. Size of your left eyeball, and as gooey. A trace of a small onion inside.

5. Something round and brown but not possessing a separate onion and just horrible, as described above.

No decent human being should attempt to consume anything that falls above a 2.