Category: Humor

Artillery Fungus???

As a Florida native, I am aware that all of Florida is trying to kill us. We have alligators, thousands of snakes including boa constrictors, burmese pythons, as well as bears, bob cats, poisonous Bufo toads the size of kitchen appliances, lightning, hurricanes, HOAs, spiders, sharks, jelly fish, zombies, mosquitoes larger and more aggressive than badgers and heat and humidity which can melt granite. This just for starters. 

I thought I was OK with all that, but today my wife informed me that we now have Artillery Fungus in our yard! What the hell??? Immediately I knew this was not good. I mean, the official name is Artillery Fungus!!!  It is also know as Shotgun Fungus. Wonderful.

Apparently this fungus grows in mulch, producing spores internally. When mature, the fruiting body splits open forming a cup-like shape. I guess that is the canon? And the canon shells are the mass of spores which is known by scientists as the glebal mass. Nifty name guys. About five hours after opening the spores are blasted into the air! The discharge mechanism generates 1/10,000hp and can shoot the glebal mass six meters!
 
The spores are fungus, and look like it. Black, sticky and gooey. They land on the side of your house, your car, the Amazon delivery guy, cats and dogs.
 
How to get them off the house? Power-washing may not be effective if you wait long, especially if you have vinyl siding. You might try scraping the spores off one-by-one with a scraper or steel wool. After that there will still be a stain left, which can be taken care of with an ink eraser or possibly bleach.
 
Your car is another story. You probably just want to sell it on Ebay and buy a new one.
 
Artillery Fungus. Amazing What next? Diarrhea spewing wasps??? 
 
I can’t wait.
 
 
 
 

 

Failed Meditation Attempt

Meditation is supposed to be really good to achieve a peaceful mind and center your soul. I have friends who swear by it. I had my first directed meditation session recently at the gym I am attending. Did not work out well.
 
I enjoyed it, and did the breathing and arm stretching as directed. The person doing the directing helped us to imagine a beautiful beach and then a nice boat where we casually drifted to a small tropical island with white sandy beaches.The lighting in the room was muted, pleasant meditating music was playing, and her voice was at the perfect tone and pitch.
 
The problem is my mind. There is a five ring circus in there, along with a NASCAR race and rabbits. Yellow rabbits.  With hats. A thousand thoughts and images are swirling about in there, every day, all the time. I’ve learned to hide it very well. Some people over the years thought I was just very observant, others thought I was bored and others thought I was easily distracted. One person at a university meeting diagnosed me as possible ADHD. I’m not sure if that is the case. I can fake concentration well. My career was very successful.
 
But I could not fake meditation. Sure, I was along for the ride, the boat trip, the beach, sunshine, forests. But everything else was going on inside my head at the same time. Songs were swirling about, a 1950’s Japanese monster movie was playing, and I kept wandering off to different parts of the island that the meditation leader had not described. But I faked it well. Afterward, everyone was commenting on the experience, thanking the instructor, and they all felt relaxed. I thanked her too. But since I had not commented on the experience she asked me about it.  Inhaling deeply, I told her that it was nice, comfortable and that she did an excellent job. She asked me how I felt and did the meditation create a calm moment.
 
That’s when I told her about the gigantic 30 foot tall box of elbow macaroni that plopped down on the white sandy beach. True story, it really did. She stared at me as other participants chuckled. She closed up shop and we all left. 
 
Oh well.
 
 
 

Masked Conversations

OK, this folks, is a true story. Last Monday I took my car into Meinake for service.  In the same parking lot is a bagel shop where I usually wait. The coffee is much better than at Meinake.

I was working on a short story on my tablet but could not help but overhear the interaction between customers and the restaurant order takers behind the counter. Note this takes place during the Pandemic of 2020, so everyone was wearing face masks.

Customer:      I miffle, mumble,mumble baffled squirrels.
Order Taker:   Whaaaat? Say muffle deer. snot.
Customer:      No. I aunt muffle garbled creamed checkers.
Order Taker:   Mumbled buffy leotard.

I fall off my chair laughing!

True story!!!.