My Top Ten Writing Distractions

1. Reading internet sites about how to write.

2. Formatting my manuscript.

3. Blogging about other things, such as photography, Boise, Florida, etc.

4. My cat Dewey. Teaching him new tricks, like sitting up and begging for treats.

5. Reading the Facebook writer’s groups

6. Searching for more online writer’s groups.

7. Reviewing the various new markets.

8. Testing out new novel writing software.

9. Contemplating attending a writer’s group or writer’s conference.

10. Writing “My Top Ten Writing Distractions

I don’t know if this is a true story or not. And sadly, I cannot recall who it pertains to, just that it was a famous author at the time. It took place probably in the 1950’s. I want to say it was Hemingway, but I can’t be certain, and Google and Bing are letting me down right now. Anyway, there was some sort of huge writer’s conference, and the auditorium was filled with writer wannabes. The keynote speaker was this great and famously successful author. The story goes that after an introduction and standing ovation, the famous author walked to the center of the stage, looked out at the hundreds of writer wannabes, and said this. “Why aren’t you home writing?” And then walked off the stage.

Whether it is a true story or not, I think there is some validity to the concept that if we all spent more time writing, we might become more successful. I’m not saying courses and workshops are not important, as obviously one needs to learn the skills necessary to write well. I am saying that today, with the internet and cheaper travel, potential writers can become overwhelmed with so many distractions. Attending local writer groups, attending workshops and conferences, participating in online writer forums to name only a few.

An excellent real life example: I sat down at my desk about 9 AM this morning. It is 1:45 PM now, and so far I have updated the WordPress themes and plugins on this very website, visited several writer forums, tested out yet another novel writing program, checked email and Facebook, wrote this blog post, made a sandwich (Roast beef, cheese, onions with loads of mayo and mustard) and sadly, I have not even loaded my novel file!

Almost five hours sitting at my desk, and guess what? Not one freaking word written on my novel.

So, my goal is to schedule time each day where I am committed to nothing, absolutely nothing but writing my novel.

Wish me luck.

Speaking of luck, I was just on google and saw that…..well, never mind. Gotta write.

Artillery Fungus???

As a Florida native, I am aware that all of Florida is trying to kill us. We have alligators, thousands of snakes including boa constrictors, burmese pythons, as well as bears, bob cats, poisonous Bufo toads the size of kitchen appliances, lightning, hurricanes, HOAs, spiders, sharks, jelly fish, zombies, mosquitoes larger and more aggressive than badgers and heat and humidity which can melt granite. This just for starters. 

I thought I was OK with all that, but today my wife informed me that we now have Artillery Fungus in our yard! What the hell??? Immediately I knew this was not good. I mean, the official name is Artillery Fungus!!!  It is also know as Shotgun Fungus. Wonderful.

Apparently this fungus grows in mulch, producing spores internally. When mature, the fruiting body splits open forming a cup-like shape. I guess that is the canon? And the canon shells are the mass of spores which is known by scientists as the glebal mass. Nifty name guys. About five hours after opening the spores are blasted into the air! The discharge mechanism generates 1/10,000hp and can shoot the glebal mass six meters!
 
The spores are fungus, and look like it. Black, sticky and gooey. They land on the side of your house, your car, the Amazon delivery guy, cats and dogs.
 
How to get them off the house? Power-washing may not be effective if you wait long, especially if you have vinyl siding. You might try scraping the spores off one-by-one with a scraper or steel wool. After that there will still be a stain left, which can be taken care of with an ink eraser or possibly bleach.
 
Your car is another story. You probably just want to sell it on Ebay and buy a new one.
 
Artillery Fungus. Amazing What next? Diarrhea spewing wasps??? 
 
I can’t wait.
 
 
 
 

 

Failed Meditation Attempt

Meditation is supposed to be really good to achieve a peaceful mind and center your soul. I have friends who swear by it. I had my first directed meditation session recently at the gym I am attending. Did not work out well.
 
I enjoyed it, and did the breathing and arm stretching as directed. The person doing the directing helped us to imagine a beautiful beach and then a nice boat where we casually drifted to a small tropical island with white sandy beaches.The lighting in the room was muted, pleasant meditating music was playing, and her voice was at the perfect tone and pitch.
 
The problem is my mind. There is a five ring circus in there, along with a NASCAR race and rabbits. Yellow rabbits.  With hats. A thousand thoughts and images are swirling about in there, every day, all the time. I’ve learned to hide it very well. Some people over the years thought I was just very observant, others thought I was bored and others thought I was easily distracted. One person at a university meeting diagnosed me as possible ADHD. I’m not sure if that is the case. I can fake concentration well. My career was very successful.
 
But I could not fake meditation. Sure, I was along for the ride, the boat trip, the beach, sunshine, forests. But everything else was going on inside my head at the same time. Songs were swirling about, a 1950’s Japanese monster movie was playing, and I kept wandering off to different parts of the island that the meditation leader had not described. But I faked it well. Afterward, everyone was commenting on the experience, thanking the instructor, and they all felt relaxed. I thanked her too. But since I had not commented on the experience she asked me about it.  Inhaling deeply, I told her that it was nice, comfortable and that she did an excellent job. She asked me how I felt and did the meditation create a calm moment.
 
That’s when I told her about the gigantic 30 foot tall box of elbow macaroni that plopped down on the white sandy beach. True story, it really did. She stared at me as other participants chuckled. She closed up shop and we all left. 
 
Oh well.
 
 
 

Masked Conversations

OK, this folks, is a true story. Last Monday I took my car into Meinake for service.  In the same parking lot is a bagel shop where I usually wait. The coffee is much better than at Meinake.

I was working on a short story on my tablet but could not help but overhear the interaction between customers and the restaurant order takers behind the counter. Note this takes place during the Pandemic of 2020, so everyone was wearing face masks.

Customer:      I miffle, mumble,mumble baffled squirrels.
Order Taker:   Whaaaat? Say muffle deer. snot.
Customer:      No. I aunt muffle garbled creamed checkers.
Order Taker:   Mumbled buffy leotard.

I fall off my chair laughing!

True story!!!.