Category: Humor

It used to be if you needed to review an article to learn something, such as how to unclog a sink, how to photograph a hummingbird or whatever, the articles got right into it. Today there seems to be a trend to write articles longer than encyclopedias on the history of mankind itself. Or personkind if you prefer. Years ago to read an article on tips to photograph a hummingbird the author would make rational assumptions, such as you know what birds are, you actually own a camera, know where hummingbirds might live, etc. They would start with the type of lens, the shutter speed, ISO speed, focusing mode and so forth.

Today? I was just reading an article about photographing hummingbirds and they started with making sure you are on the planet Earth, as they cannot swear there are hummingbirds on other planets. What, is someone going to sue them if they are on Mars and can’t photograph hummingbirds?

Then, understand what a hummingbird is, as opposed to a Blue Jay or someone’s baseball glove. Next up, consider obtaining a camera. Oh, don’t forget to go outside your house, as hummingbirds rarely buzz between your milk and eggs inside your refrigerator. What the hell???

Then they discuss the ethics of the task. Ethics? What? Of photographing birds? They have to go into massive details about the ethics of feeding birds, of capturing their image without their consent and not to reveal the exact location to prevent bird kidnappers. I guess there might be a grain of reality to these statements, like feeding protected birds junk food, but since the title of the article is how to photograph hummingbirds one might think that ship has sailed, right?

OK, I am five thousand words into this article and still haven’t gotten to anything about actually photographing the damn birds! Maybe these web authors get paid by the word?

Beats me.

It is the same thing even if it is unclogging a kitchen sink. It takes them five thousand words to get to the kitchen itself, much less the actual sink! 

Maybe this is a sign of our times. Are people today so freaking stupid that they might actually try to unclog their kitchen sink even if they don’t live in a house or apartment with a sink? Do they have to be told to not try to unclog a sink where the water is flowing just fine, without any signs of a clog?

I have a headache. I’m going to check out an article about how to relieve a pain in the head. It will probably start with making sure you actually have a head. 

This planet is really getting stupid.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All of us have certain weaknesses. Some have challenges with automobile repair, some have difficulty dealing with government red tape, some can’t do math well. One of my major challenges in life is freaking stupid-ass blue donkey bicycle air pumps!!! I have experienced major battles with bike pumps in my history. By battles, I mean grabbing the bike pump and slamming it against the center of a highway several times, then getting in my truck and backing over it five times, then getting out and pissing on it, before I set it on fire.

The problem is that they don’t make plain ordinary simple bike air pumps like they did in the 60’s and 70’s. My problem is I want a bike pump that will do only one thing, just one stinking thing – push air in a bike tire!!!!! And of course, every tire pump today is advertised as a one and all magic amazing air pump that will supposedly push air into your tire, your wheelbarrow tire, your car tire, your blow up sex doll, swimming pool, your local politicians empty head and about seventy-three other things! This means you need to read the forty seven page instruction booklet written in poor English by Chinese authors who have never seen a bike pump in their entire existence!

You can’t just attach it to your bike tire and start pushing air into it Noooooo you have to first determine what type of valve your tire has and set your fancy do_shit air pump in the appropriate mode. You have to choose from Schrader valves, Presta valves, woods valve and some sort of Dunlop valves.

Once you manage to figure out what your tire valve is, then you have to get the air pump and set it in the appropriate valve mode. You may have to adjust the size, push levers over, twist a setting, assign a gender and probably use a Ouija board and a biorhythm app on your phone. Your chances of getting this correct is equal to winning the lottery three times in a row on the same day while standing naked on a sidewalk in Massachusetts. In Winter.

That seems difficult enough, right? But wait! There is MORE! In this complicated time there are literally more air pumps for sale than crooks in government. At least 70% are pieces of crap contraptions that were manufactured in the jungles of some foreign Asia province neither you nor I could pronounce without expelling a bucket of saliva and at least one back tooth. These are not even manufactured but are random pieces of weak plastic and  thin metal like materials jammed together with garlic butter. They may or may not actually be air pumps, No one knows what the hell they are, but they can be bought for $9.99 and have over a hundred fake positive reviews from “people” who have no idea what they are reviewing anyway.

So, 70% are actually mystery products, so that leaves you with 30% to choose from. Some of these are actually made to work similar to air pumps, but are so complicated you need to dig up Einstein to just figure out how to get it out of their plastic sealed wrapping.

The few products that are actually designed and made well, are again, so complicated as they try to serve multiple purposes you need an engineering degree just to have half a rat’s ass chance of getting it to work.

I just want a bicycle air pump that pushes air into my bicycle tire.  That’s all. Such a thing is not available today. On a positive note, while I got zero exercise on my bike today, I did burn 2,733 calories by slamming the keys on my keyboards with both fists, cursing at the very top of my lungs while shaking my head back and forth so violently that I blew four freckles off my forehead.

That’s me, always looking for the silver lining.

Dart

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is what my wife told me. “Stop saying ‘Dumb Ass’!”

Apparently I use that word frequently. Someone pulls out in front of me on the highway, “Dumb Ass!”. Someone posts something really, really stupid on Facebook, Twitter or Instacrap and I am frantically searching for the “Dumb Ass” icon to click on. Sadly, despite me suggesting it several times, no such button exists to date.

Basically, whenever someone says, does or implies something that I think is as stupid as possible, I yell, “Dumb Ass!”.

This being 2022, I have an abundance of opportunity to scream those two words. My wife has grown tired of it, and has ordered me to stop it.

So, I am in search of a new word or phrase. These are the contenders:

• Dog Farter!
• Shit Faced Moron!
• Barf Butt!
• Jerk Ass!
• Stupid Ass. Sorry, that was quickly cancelled by my wife as too close to “Dumb Ass.”
• Dork Butt
• Idiot!
• Jack Ass!

So far, “Dog Farter” is leading the pack. I tried it twice today driving to Breakfast. It felt right.

If anyone has suggestions, leave them in the comments please.

I’ll keep you informed.

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It is summer in America, prime driving season, and everyone is concerned about the outrageous price of gasoline at the pump. People are desperately seeking ways to squeeze an extra mile or two out of a gallon of gas. Never fear, my friends. After seven or eight seconds of intense research, I’ve developed The Top Ten Gas Saving Tips! I offer this to you for free, and with the guarantee that if you are not 100% satisfied with these tips after utilizing all ten, (especially number eight) I will cheerfully refund the full price!

No, don’t thank me. I am just doing my part to better society.

1. Eat an enormous bowl of baked beans for breakfast, then drive to work farting like a mad weasel with your windows rolled up. The “gas” will make your car lighter, gaining better mileage, and your eyes will sting so you will drive more conservatively.
2. Empty your car of all non-essential items, like the junk in your trunk, books, magazines, the five thousand Burger King wrappers in the back seat (Yes daughter, I am talking about you!) any unnecessary tools, spare tire, your back seat and if possible, your entire frame. Again, a lighter vehicle gets better miles per gallon.
3. Drive at a steady speed, not varying over 5 MPH. Ignore stop signs and traffic lights, as slowing and stopping and then speeding up is terrible on fuel economy. Note, this may only work well in Miami, where stop signs and red lights are voluntary.
4. Make your car as wind resistant as possible. Coating your entire car with K-Y jelly prior to driving is one way. If you don’t have K-Y handy, use badger grease.
5. Wake up at 3 AM to get gas. The heat of the day makes the gasoline expand and thus if you fill up at noon, you won’t get as much gas in your tank.
6. Always fill up at noon. The gas will be hot and “lighter”, making your car weight less and thus gaining you some extra mileage.
7. Maintain exact, proper tire pressure, and exchange the air in all four tires every weekend. Replacing the tired and worn-out air with fresh, invigorated air will improve your mileage.
8. On long highway drives, tailgate a huge 18-wheeler gas tanker, driving in the “sweet spot” of its airflow, which is usually a half inch from the tanker’s rear bumper. Your vehicle will encounter far less wind resistance and actually be pulled forward by the current. When doing this, try not to smoke.
9. Turn off your air conditioner to get better mileage. However, this only works if you roll up and duct tape all of your windows to prevent wind resistance from countering the AC being off. Try not to sweat, as the evaporated water can change the density of the air inside your car and add weight to your overall vehicle.
10. There is no 10th tip. But “9 Top Gas Saving Tips” just doesn’t have a good ring to it, does it?

There you have it. Now, where do I go to pick up my Nobel Prize???

 

This is a crisis, folks. Louisiana has an official state doughnut, the Brignet! Massachusetts also has an official state doughnut, the Boston Cream. But Florida? The great and fantastic state of Florida? We have zip. Nada. No state doughnut. Not even a state donut.

In 1986 the state of Louisiana officially made the Beignet the state doughnut.

A beignet is a square, puffy doughnut sprinkled with powdered sugar. It does not have a hole in the middle. So, in my book, it is pastry, not even a freaking donut or a doughnut!!!  How the hell in Tom’s foolery can a piece of pastry be considered a doughnut, much less be elevated to the prestigious rank of State Doughnut???!!

What the Hell Louisiana???

And while we are at it,  what the screaming weasel snot is a beignet???? According to this website, The word beignet (pronounced bey-YAY) comes from the early Celtic word bigne meaning “to raise.” It is also French for “fritter.” They are fried, raised pieces of yeast dough, usually about 2 inches in diameter or 2 inches square. After being fried, they are sprinkled with sugar or coated with various icings. It is like a sweet doughnut, but the beignet is square shaped and without a hole.

Unbelievable.

 

The Boston Cream Doughnut has the word doughnut right in the name, so despite not having a hole, it is indeed officially a doughnut. In 2003 or 2006 Massachusetts made the Boston Cream Doughnut the official state doughnut.

The Boston cream doughnut (sometimes written with “creme” or “kreme”) is a round, solid, yeast risen, doughnut with chocolate frosting and a creamy vanilla flavored custard filling.

It is also the official doughnut of Dart.

 

But Florida? No State Doughnut! Granted, we do have a state desert, the Key Lime Pie. But no doughnut.

So, we have to do something about this. And you can help. First, we need to identify a doughnut that has a Florida flare. Something related to Florida. Then, we write our respective state representatives asking them to designate our doughnut as the State Doughnut.

I tried to find a doughnut that we could maybe nominate to the Florida legislature as our state doughnut.  

These are the best options so far.

 

 

Hurricane doughnuts???? They look like fish to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a Key lime custard-filled doughnut. Goes along with our official desert, Key Lime Pie.

 

 

 

 

 

This is some sort of Orange Doughnut.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How about a Mango Doughnut?

 

 

 

Maybe you have a better idea? Let me know!

 

 

It won’t surprise too many people who know me that I have an Onion Ring Rating System. (ORRS)

I developed this after attempting to consume a product falsely labeled as an onion ring from a popular fast food establishment. Apparently their imitation food product designers in fast food HQ forgot that onion rings should by the laws of nature consist of an actual onion. What I received instead was best described as Rings of Grease. They appeared brown on the outside, and indeed, were circular. But that was all they had in common with onion rings. For starters, there were no onions. The entire ring of lard was one substance, just colored differently on the outside. I sniffed them, and they possessed no fragrance at all. That was my first warning.

I tried biting one, and that is when I discovered it was just pressed together goop. There was no trace of an actual onion. Not even a flavor of an onion. Double in fact, they sucked.

A true honest to God onion ring is a real, 100% onion. This real onion is coated in some sort combination of baking powder, flower and oil. The actual construction materials can vary, but you immediately get the point that we are talking about two different items. 1) An onion! and 2) Some sort of batter on the onion.

So, I have developed my ORRS chart:  1 is best and 5 is the anti-Christ.

1. Large! Size of your palm at least. Crispy. There is a pleasant onionly fragrance. When you bite into the ring if you don’t bite sternly the actual onion will fall out of one end. A real onion. Not a goop. Not some slop made to look almost the color of an onion. But a true onion! The taste? Awesome! The ring is crisp and fresh and full of flavor and inside you have the pure Godly taste of a real onion!

2. Same as above only smaller.

3 Some variation, such as beer battered or so forth. Takes away from the purity of a real Onion Ring.

4. Size of your left eyeball, and as gooey. A trace of a small onion inside.

5. Something round and brown but not possessing a separate onion and just horrible, as described above.

No decent human being should attempt to consume anything that falls above a 2.