Category: Humor

The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
 
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
 
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” “Well, “he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”
 
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.
 
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”
 
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent.”
 
I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”
 
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

Uncle Paul

Hello?”
“Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn’t moving either.”
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?

Ten ways to be positive in a negative world.

 

I think most people would agree the world today is a stressful and perhaps scary place. More so than any other time in my life, and I am an old fart.

So, how do we remain somewhat sane and positive in this crazy world?

I’m glad you asked. I have some ten tips right here!


Step 1. Stay in bed. Statistics demonstrate that there is 94% more negativity out of bed than in bed. Just pull the covers over your eyes and go back to snoring.

Step 2: If you must get out of bed, do not, under any circumstances, turn on anything pretending to be news!!!! Especially CNN or FOX! If you must be distracted by something in the morning as you prepare for work or school, get a cat. In fact, get four cats! Those little bastards will keep you busy in the morning for sure.

Step 3. Delete any Facebook friends that post serious stuff, from politics to diet tips. You don’t need that crap now. 

Step 4. As you leave for work, listen to something motivational instead of the usual fifty-seven billion radio commercials. I prefer Jessica Alba reading from the Bible, Song of Songs verses 7-8.

Step 5. Don’t go to work! Drive to a park and lay down on your back in the grass and see how many clouds form into the shape of Al Gore’s Ass. (No offense intended to Al Gore or his ass. Or asses in general.)

Step 6. Assuming you must go to work, surround yourself with pleasant motivational scents. Scientists have proven that fragrances can impact mood. I prefer scented candles that smell like pepperoni pizza, fresh chocolate and new $20 dollar bills. Or Jessica Alba.

Step 7. Leave work early. Tell your boss you have a really bad case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and you’ve already busted three toilets in the building.

Step 8. Develop a new hobby such as chocolate scarfing, premeditated sex with your spouse or collecting empty liquor bottles.

Step 9. Do not watch any television show produced after 1970. Focus on shows such as:

  • The Andy Griffin Show
  • Gilligan’s Island
  • I Dream of Jeanie
  • My Favorite Martian
  • F-Troop
  • Green Acres

Step 10. Laugh. Find something, somewhere, that makes you laugh. Even a snorting giggle will help.

I hope these tips help you remain positive today.

Peace

Nymphomaniacs of America Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat, as it was the only empty seat on the plane!
 
This amazingly beautiful woman sat down right next to him!
 
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”
 
She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”
 
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
 
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
 
“Lecturer,” she responded. ” I use information that I have learned from my research and personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
 
“Really?” he said. ” And what kind of myths are there?”
 
“Well,” she explained,” one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
 
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”
 
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

Bitchen Corn Flakes

Two twin brothers John and Jake,  wake up on their 12th birthday.  John says “We’re grown ups now! We can curse like adults!”

They go down for breakfast and their mom says happy birthday boys! What would my sons like for breakfast?

John says “Ah just give me some of those son of bitchen corn flakes!!”

There is silence in the kitchen  for a moment, and then mom backhands him so hard he winds up laying on his back on the kitchen floor.

Mother turns to Jake and sweetly asks, “Jake, what would you like for breakfast?”

Jake looks at his brother still laying on the floor crying and turns to his mother and says, “Well, you can bet your ass I don’t want any of those bitchen corn flakes!!”

How to tell if a man’s shirt is ready for the laundry.

Men have a sophisticated system when it comes to their clothing. If a man wears a shirt for just one hour, he doesn’t want to toss it in the clothes hamper. I mean, it is practically clean! One hour worn! Men apply this same highly developed system to all levels of clothing cleanliness.

Women on the other hand, often do not understand such a technically well thought out system of clothing cleanliness. So, I will break the Man Code and reveal to you today how to determine if something needs washing.

 

This shirt is practically brand new! Extremely clean, but has been worn once or twice. Thought about wearing it today, but not sure. Semi-clean, worn for less than two hours and only in air conditioning. Wore it today but didn’t sweat, so might wear it tomorrow. Or Thursday. Raccoons have licked it and I wore it the entire day. Most likely won’t wear it tomorrow.

 

A very observant woman might notice that the closer the shirt gets to the floor, the less clean it is.
So there you have it ladies!

PS: This is Dart’s wife. He can wash his own dang clothes!

Blonde Joke #3

One may have to ponder this one for a second…

This story takes place back in the old days, when milk was delivered. A young blonde left a note for her milkman asking for 40 gallons of milk. Surprised, he knocked on the door and asked her if she really wanted 40 gallons. She replied that she had read this beauty tip that bathing in milk is good for the skin. The milkman says, “OK, I understand. Do you want that pasteurized?” And the lady replied, “No, up to my breasts is fine.”