Trucks, Dogs and Bikes

(C) Dart Humeston

One of the first thing we noticed when we arrived in Boise were the trucks, the dogs and the bicycles. We entered Idaho by driving five days from Florida and arrived very late one night, so we must have missed the Idaho Welcoming & Orientation Committee. So, no slide presentation, no orientation pamphlet. We had to discover on our own that three things every resident of the Treasure Valley must possess. The first is a pick-up truck the size of a locomotive. We are not talking about your regular pick-up truck here, no freaking way. We are talking about trucks that have elevators to get you into the driver’s seat. Six to eight doors, a bed larger than some Florida swimming pools. All wheel drive, tractor tires so huge as I drive my Kia Soul next to them I have to look up to see the hubcaps. Ford trucks are popular here, especially the Ford F-9100 Ultra Super Heavy Duty Terminator truck. These monsters are so huge the local high school holds dances in one. They each come with their own zip code!

So, yeah, everyone drives locomotive engines to the Pharmacy or the coffee shop. Part of the reason they do this is because there are no real roads in Idaho. Boise does their chip seal deals every year, and a typical Ford F-350 just couldn’t handle those conditions. Plus, there are about 62,000 manhole covers in Boise alone, and every last one of them in the smack middle of the lanes. You can’t park still at a traffic light without your vehicle bumping and banging up and down. Plus, once you leave the urban area it is ridiculously easy to find yourself on a gravel or dirt road. So, the bigger the monster truck the better.

The second thing everyone must obtain is a dog. Or two or a dozen. Apparently it is against the law to walk anywhere in Idaho without your dog. Certainly not on any hiking trials. Poodles do not count. It has to be a Ford F-900 Terminator dog. In other words, just walk a cougar or a bear. Bring a hefty trash bag to pick up the poop.

The third mandatory requirement appears to be a bicycle. Everyone bikes everywhere. With their dog. At a traffic light yesterday I saw a passenger inside the truck next to me bike the length of the truck.

So, as soon as we are able to afford it, we are going to lease a locomotive engine truck, drive to the grocery store with our giant dog and then bike down the aisle to purchase some beer, which thankfully, is also a requirement of living in Idaho.