Six Things That will Kill You in Florida

(C) 2020 Dart Humeston

Florida has some dangers that are much different than Boise. I’ll cover Boise in a later article, but below are the top five things that can kill you in Florida.

#1 People shooting you.
Literally every person in Florida has at least 12 guns. When you relocate to the state you get a free AR-15 with your driver’s license. Florida has the
Shoot First Rule which means if you are afraid for your life, of losing a decent parking space, or need to merge into traffic you are allowed to shoot first. Sometimes it is best to just shoot first whenever you encounter a deadly situation, such as a long line in Starbucks.

#2 Alligators
Alligators are prehistoric predators that could eat a mountain lion as an hors d’oeuvre before grabbing the leg of a Canadian tourist trying to feed him a snicker bar. These suckers can weight up to 1,000 pounds and grow to 14 feet in length. (The alligator, not the Canadian tourist.) Their teeth are the size of kitchen appliances. There are close to 2 million alligators residing in Florida, at least 300 of them with Florida driving licenses and two holding public office. If you approach any type of fresh water in Florida, be it a canal, a lake, a river, a swamp or a deep mud puddle, hide your snicker bars!

#3 Being run over by a car.
You stand an excellent chance of being driven over by an automobile or RV as you cross the street, walk along the sidewalk, are in a store or in your house. The concept that roads are for cars is considered bias against drivers, limited and restrictive of liberty. Besides, many people in South Florida are from countries or planets where they are not familiar with the theory of roads and highways at all. (Haiti, I am poking my finger toward you!). Your best bet is to never get out of your car.

#4 Puss Caterpillars
These are fluffy and cute looking caterpillars that should you even slightly brush against one will cause enough pain to blow puss out your ears. The pain as been described as incapacitating and more painful than losing an election to Donald Trump!

#5. Lightning
Essentially, this is evidence that God hates Florida and has been trying to zap it out of existence. In the three years that I have lived in Boise I have not seen lightning once. In Florida, there is always a gigantic bolt of electricity smacking into Florida somewhere. I personally have dodged lightning strikes on three occasions, where the blinding flash of the lightning bolt and the ear drum shattering sound of thunder happened simultaneously, which caused me to change my underwear. No place anywhere in the USA has more ground lightning strikes than Florida.

#6 Sinkholes
Florida is essentially one giant slab of limestone. As the surface limestone dissolves due to water, fertilizers, gigantic alligators chewing on them, the limestone surface vanishes and everything on top of it falls hundreds of feet into the earth. Cars, houses, RVs and people disappears only to appear on Reality TV shows years later.

So, if you visit Florida make sure you bring your guns, don’t touch anything, don’t go outside, wear sneakers so you can dodge the cars and never, ever carry snicker bars near water.