Eight Ways to Stop People from Moving to Boise

(C) 2020 Dart Humeston

The first day my wife and our three cats moved to Boise we stood in our front lawn and screamed, “How the hell do we get people to stop moving to Boise?!” We yelled it so loud that our brand new neighbors took up the refrain and we all joined hands and stomp our feet until wild badgers fled onto Interstate 84 where an 18-Wheeler immediately overturned and flattened them. If you have ever seen flattened badgers you know it isn’t a pretty sight.

Sadly, this same scene plays out every day as another group of newcomers arrive and shout out the same thing. Once we get here, we want the Idaho door snapped shut! Keep everyone else out, dammit!

Unfortunately, people are scrambling like badgers dodging 18-wheelers to get to Idaho and by that I mean the Treasure Valley. People are coming mainly from California, followed by Washington, Utah, Nevada, Wyoming, Oregon and Arizona. There are many reasons for this, as shown in the pretty pie chart that I created with extensive data pulled right out of my butt.

Anyway, the point is we all want people to stop moving to the Boise area. Doesn’t matter if your ancestor fell off a horse with Lewis and Clark in 1806 and stayed here, or you just drove across the border this morning. After drinking thinking long and hard, I’ve come up with eight ways to stop people from moving to the Boise area. You’re welcome.

#8 Require a relocation tax of $10,000 per person for anyone who moves here after 2020. Paid annually.

#7 Fine anyone $100 who pronounces Boise as Boy-zee.

#6 Turn Boise International Airport into a discount mall.

#5. Reintroduce wolves into Ann Morrison Park.

#4 Rename Boise to “Trump City”. (That will scare the Californians away)

#3 Install “Calming Traffic Circles” at every intersection.

#2 Stock the Boise river with piranha.

#1 Chip Seal Interstate 84.

I hope that our various government officials in the valley get together and start implementing some of these ideas right away.