Better Gas Mileage

It is almost summer in America, prime driving season, and everyone is concerned about the price of gasoline at the pump. People are desperately seeking ways to squeeze an extra mile or two out of a gallon of gas. Never fear my friends, after seven or eight seconds of intense research, I’ve developed my Top 10 Gas Saving Tips! I offer this to you free of charge, and with the guarantee that if you are not 100% satisfied with these tips after utilizing all nine, (especially number eight) I will cheerfully refund the full price!

No, don’t thank me. I am just doing my part to better society.

1. Eat a huge bowl of baked beans for breakfast, then drive to work farting like a mad weasel with your windows rolled up. The “gas” will make your car lighter, gaining better mileage, and your eyes will sting so you will drive more conservatively.

2. Empty your car of all non-essential items, like the junk in your trunk, books, magazines, the five thousand Burger King wrappers in the back seat (Yes daughter, I am talking about you!) any unnecessary tools, spare tire, your back seat and if possible, your entire frame. Again, a lighter vehicle obtains better miles per gallon.

3. Drive at a steady speed, not varying more than 5 MPH. Ignore stop signs and traffic lights, as slowing and stopping and then speeding up is really bad on fuel economy. Note, this may only work well in Miami, where stop signs and red lights are voluntary.

4. Make your car as wind resistant as possible. Coating your entire car with Vaseline prior to driving is one way. If you don’t have vaseline, use weasel grease.

5. Wake up at 3 AM to get gas. The heat of the day makes the gasoline expand and thus if you fill up at noon you won’t get as much gas in your tank.

6. Maintain exact, proper tire pressure, and exchange the air in all four tires every weekend. Replacing the tired and worn out air with fresh invigorated air will improve your mileage.

7. On long highway drives, tailgate a huge 18 wheeler gas tanker, driving in the “sweet spot” of its airflow, which is usually a half inch from the tanker’s rear bumper. Your vehicle will encounter far less wind resistance and actually be pulled forward by the current. When doing this, try not to smoke.

8. Turn off your air conditioner to obtain better mileage. However, this only works if you roll up and duct tape all of your windows to prevent wind resistance from countering the AC being off. Try not to sweat, as the evaporated water can change the density of the air inside your car and add weight to your overall vehicle.

9. There is no 10th tip. But “9 Top Gas Saving Tips” just doesn’t have a good ring to it, does it?

There you have it. Now, where do I go to pick up my Nobel Prize???