Oreo Cookie Hell!

What the holy living beaver hell has happened to Oreo cookies!?  I have not purchased Oreos in some time. Maybe years. That is because I am a fat man trying to not be fatter. I have been trying to lose thirty pounds for the last thirty years.

Anyway, once in a blue full May moon I go off my diet and splurge. As a kid, Oreo cookies and ice cold whole milk was my paradise. So, last night I was in the super market cookie aisle and thought I would zoom by and grab a package of Oreo Cookies off the shelf and pay – Zoom zoom, before my will power had a chance of kicking in. (My will power is often out by the river skipping stones instead of stopping me from doing stupid stuff.) But then I found the Oreo Cookie Section! Yes, an entire freaking section dedicated to Oreo cookies! What? Where? Can this be?

I could not find regular Oreos!

Last time I was at a store for cookies I had to decide between Double Stuffed Oreos or Regular. That is how long ago it was. Today, Oh my flying bat monkeys, there are seventy-seven types of freaking Oreos!!!  I reached for a package, but it was chocolate cream Oreos. What? OK, maybe this package Ahhhh!!! Gluten Free Mint Cream Oreos? What the H E Double Toothpicks????? 

OK, I stepped back and took a deep breath.  I carefully scanned over the twelve shelves of Oreos.

Blackout Cake Chocolate Oreo Cookies? Toffee Crunch Chocolate Oreo Cookie?   What??? Toffee?? What are they thinking!!

Golden Lemon Oreos? What?

I just want old fashioned American God Loving Regular Oreo Cookies!!!! You know, the REAL Oreo Cookie!!!

Can’t find them.

I stood there, staring at the shelves and shelves of weird-ass Oreo cookies.

All I wanted to do was to go off my diet for one night, and enjoy my old time favorite Oreo Cookie with ice cold whole milk.

But, by now my feeble will power began to nag at me. “Hey fatman, what are you doing in the cookie aisle?” It said to me.

“Crying.” I replied, and walked away.



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