Ten ways to be positive in a negative world.

Seven ways to be positive in a shitty negative world.

I think most people would agree the world today is a stressful and perhaps scary place. We have a pandemic, shortages of certain groceries, sky high gasoline prices, housing prices insane, massive insane conspiracy theories swirling about, Russian threatening the largest land war in Europe since WW2, inflation at a 40 year high, and well, if I go on I may off myself. Or worse, eat chocolate.

So, how do we remain somewhat sane and positive in this crazy world?

I’m glad you asked. I have some seven tips right here!

Step 1. Stay in bed. Statistics demonstrate that there is 94% more negativity out of bed than in bed. Just pull the covers over your eyes and go back to snoring.

Step 2: If you must get out of bed, do not, under any circumstances, turn on anything pretending to be news!!!! Especially CNN or FOX! If you must be distracted by something in the morning as you prepare for work or school, get a cat. In fact, get four cats! Those little bastards will keep you busy in the morning for sure.

Step 3. Delete any Facebook friends that post serious stuff, from politics to diet tips. You don’t need that crap now. 

Step 4. As you leave for work, listen to something motivational instead of the usual fifty-seven billion radio commercials. I prefer Jessica Alba reading from the Bible, Song of Songs verses 7-8.

Step 5. Don’t go to work! Drive to a park and lay down on your back in the grass and see how many clouds form into the shape of Al Gore’s Ass. (No offense intended to Al Gore or his ass. Or asses in general.)

Step 6. Assuming you must go to work, surround yourself with pleasant motivational scents. Scientists have proven that fragrances can impact mood. I prefer scented candles that smell like pepperoni pizza, fresh chocolate and new $20 dollar bills. Or Jessica Alba.

Step 7. Leave work early. Tell your boss you have a really bad case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and you’ve already busted three toilets in the building.

Step 8. Develop a new hobby such as chocolate scarfing, premeditated sex with your spouse or collecting empty liquor bottles.

Step 9. Do not watch any television show produced after 1970. Focus on shows such as:

  • The Andy Griffin Show
  • Gilligan’s Island
  • I Dream of Jeanie
  • My Favorite Martian
  • F-Troop
  • Green Acres

Step 10. Laugh. Find something, somewhere, that makes you laugh. Even a snorting giggle will help.

I hope these tips help you remain positive today.