Moments Before My Birth

This is what I envision transpired in the Celestial World just moments before I was born.

Millions of beautiful angels are in line bringing new souls forward for a last-minute quality control check before they are sent to earth. God is standing on the edge of a cloud with a tablet. A GodPad tablet, not a stone tablet. An angel presents my soul to God, who scans me with an app.

“Hmmm….this one is smart. Not ugly, has a wonderful sense of humor…..” He says as He swipes through the pages on his screen. The angel smiles proudly.

“We just formulated this soul today.” The angel brags.

Suddenly, the tablet chimed sharply and the screen flashed red.

“Holy Crap, do you see the Arrogance Index?” God says.

“The what?” The angel replies nervously.

“Are you new here?” God asks.

“Ah, yes Sir. This is my first week on the job.”

God leans over and shows the display on his tablet to the angel.

“See that red spike there? It’s through the freaking roof!”

The angel leaned over to see it. “Isn’t that the chutzpah index? Similar to the Self Confidence Index?”

“No, that is over here and over there,  He said pointing with his little finger. “Not this. You have the Arrogance Factor at the maximum level. Last time we let someone loose on Earth with it that high was that French guy, Napoleon.”

“I wanted to create a soul filled with self-confidence. It is a tough world down there.” The newbie angel whispered.

“Well, this won’t work. We are going to have to make some adjustments before we drop him to earth.”

So God ordered an emergency operating table set up and with Him and the angel wearing safety goggles, they worked on me. God guided the newbie angel.

“We can’t remove what you put into him, so the arrogance has to be tempered by other adjustments.” God instructed. “Let’s start by giving him full-blown alcoholic parents. The psychological influence will create a fear based sense of being. That should counter the arrogance a bit.”

The angel complied, and I was born into an alcoholic household.

“His arrogance is still too high.” God said, analyzing colorful, wavy lines on his tablet. “OK, see that green wire? Pull that out of it’s silver connector and cut it down to half its size, then reinsert it. This will give him several minor speech difficulties. Stuttering, stammering and the inability to pronounce many words, especially words with R’s and L’s.”

The angel pulled out the green wire, using a scalpel to cut it to half its original size, then reinserted it. God viewed the result on His tablet. The red was still too strong.

“Those three black wires over there, in the corner? Remove the middle one and toss it. This will give him Existential OCD, causing him to endlessly question the meaning of life and the universe.”

“Is that a thing?” The angel asked.

“Yes, sort of rare, but that will cause depression and anxiety. It only works with people arrogant enough to actually think they can figure those things out. Also, see the round dial next to those wires? Turn it from 10 to 8. That will add generalized low level depression as a bonus.

The angel made the adjustment, then turned to God. “We have him raised by alcoholic parents, with speech issues, existential OCD and generalized depression and anxiety. Won’t this severely limit his life?”

“Actually, not enough. He still is so full of himself he causes all kinds of trouble and loses his soul in the end.”

“Wow, I thought I was helping him. He wasn’t more than average intelligence, his physical shell we insert him into is about average at best. Plus, he is going to planet Earth, a fairly retarded planet. I thought enhanced self-confidence would give him a better chance.” The angel said sadly. “I made a mistake, and now he has these things to deal with.”

“He will still do well enough. You didn’t make him very intelligent, but you gave him a ton of creativity. That plus the arrogance will take him far. Too far, in fact. Let’s have his father die during his second grade.”

“Really?” the angel said, clearly distraught.

“Calm down angel. Did you forget I am God?”

The angel was clearly still disturbed. “Because of my error, he will suffer with these horrible issues.”

“He’ll be fine. Oh, he will still annoy a lot of people, but he will be fine. Hit the send button.”

“But the unnecessary pain and suffering I caused him….”

God smiled. Even chuckled a bit.

“Angel. I am God. All powerful. Do you think you really made a mistake? Do you think I would allow it?”

The angel was now confused on top of being distraught. “But, this one will live for 97 earth years, and most of these problems will taunt him even then.”

“You forget Angel, that Earth Time is not Real Time. Yes, he will be there for 97 Earth Years and while he is there it will seem like a very long time. But in reality, it is only 17 Real Seconds. And then He will live forever here. After he learns from his Earth lessons.”

“17 seconds?” The angel asked.

“Yep. In fact, he is already on his way back to us.

“You really are God!”

“I’m sending you back to Celestial Orientation, angel.”

So, God added some handicaps to me so that I would not be a flaming asshole all the time. I was even humble enough to accept Jesus Christ as my savior. If I did not have these issues, my arrogance would have made me a hell of a lot more successful in the world, but I would not be saved and I would be a really, really big dick.

Praise God.